For some reason, when you get pregnant, you suddenly open yourself up to verbal abuse. I'm not really sure why these two things go hand in hand, but they just do. And I'm not sure when it stops. Honestly, it's like people have no filter. I know (first hand) that pregnancy brain makes you a total idiot, but it must be contagious, because everyone around you becomes idiotic, too. I had one girlfriend who had just given birth to her second son, we're talking feet still in the stirrups, when the nurse looked at her and said, "So are you going to try for a girl?" Umm right now, I think I'll put my feet down and see how long it takes for me to be able to sneeze without wetting my pants.
So, here are some little gems that I've received over the years that have been burned into my brain. If you have some, please leave them for me. I don't want to think I'm alone in this!
After announcing your pregnancy:
Oh! We're you trying? Why do people need to know this? Will it make them feel better about an oops baby they had? I mean obviously you were trying because you have the bloat to show for it. I only know one person who wasn't "trying" to get pregnant, and we'll celebrate her son's birthday in a couple of weeks.
When you're pregnant (this one might get long): How much weight have you gained? Really? Did you really just ask me that? How much weight have YOU gained in the past 6 months? And what's your excuse, because I'm growing a person, so I think a 7 lb gain is ok.
Are you sure it's not twins?!? Ha, ha ha. I did have my BOSS ask me this when I was super-dee-dooper pg with #2, and yeah, he's a Pastor (waves hello to PJ if your reading this!) I'm not sure why people thing a giant ball of hormones can take fat jokes. I really don't.
Are you wearing that pink shirt because secretly hope the baby's a girl? I don't put a lot of thought into my wardrobe to begin with, so no, this is just the only tarp that would fit my "twin sized" belly today. What do you think I secretly want when I wear a black shirt? A goth baby?
Are you delivering vaginally? Again, why do you need to know?
Are you going to breastfeed? Do you use tampons? While yes, I did, it is a personal decision that strange people really don't need to know. Because I would get either "Well, I formula fed my babies and they turned out JUST fine" or "good for you, you are doing the right thing." I'm not judging you, why are you judging me?
When are you due? This isn't rude. It was the follow-up I got when I responded with "23 weeks!" Ohhh That's how far along my neighbor's daughter was when she lost the baby. Well, thank you. That gives me something to stress about for the next 4 weeks until I can hear the heartbeat again.
You're about to have a baby?! I couldn't even tell you were pregnant. I am sure this sweet little 17 year-old Harris Teeter bag boy meant that in a sweet way, but I was 3 days pre first child's birth and had gained WELL over 50 lbs. You so just called me fat, kid.
After the baby is out:
Wow. You new moms these days bring your kids out so early. Why, back in my day... I am sorry. My child was born smack in the middle of wedding season. My husband works 15 hour days. I do not have any family around to babysit, so yes, I had to bring her with me to get wedding presents, and then we are going to the grocery store. She is in her car seat bucket, covered up. I am not passing her around the store asking people to lick her, so I think she'll be ok. Other options are leave her at home with the dog watching her or leave her in the car. What did you want me to do?
He's cute! He's a she. See the bow in the hair? The DRESS. With Strip, I actually got her a onesie that said, "I am not a boy" on it. Still, people called her a boy. I had one lady argue with me in a hallmark store. She said, "What a BIG BOY! I can't believe he's just a week old." I said, "No, she really a small girl. (moved the blanket so you could see her tiny little body), SHE just has a giant head!" "No, that is a really big boy." You're totally right, lady she is a boy, and she is giant. I guess it evens out because people were still calling Nugget a girl two months ago (what can I say, he's a pretty boy!). And I know people are just trying to be nice, but if you are not 100%, don't guess a gender. Say, "What a sweet baby! What's your name?" if you need a hint.
That baby is so uncomfortable. I don't think it's breathing. I was a baby wearer. I had a sling, and if my giant babies would still fit in it, I would probably still use it. Mine was a very thin piece of material that went across my shoulder and the kids would just curl up in a little ball. They loved it. My inside-my-head thought was always, "Yes, she is so uncomfortable, she fell asleep" but I would normally say, "Oh, well. This is a lot more spacious than the place she was 3 weeks ago!"
I know there are more, so I will have to update later when I think of them. Nugget is climbing up on the desk and trying to sit on the keyboard.