Monday, October 6, 2008

phd in pee

I may not know everything, but I am a professional pee-er. This goes waaaaaay back. Because of a kidney problem I had when I was little, I often have the joy of doing a "24 hour." What's that you say? Let me share.

You start by getting to carry this sweet number out of the doctor's office:

Nice! Then, on your lucky day, you wake up, pee and the fun begins. For the next 24 hours, you get to collect every drop of gold in this nifty container. But where do you keep that thing? I hear you asking.

In the fridge. Yup. Don't confuse it with the orange juice. The first time Husband got to experience the joy of a "24" was when I was about 3 months pregnant with Strip. When I filled him in, he said, "Seriously? We have to keep pee in our refrigerator. That is disgusting." My response... we are about to have a baby. This is not gross, this is the tip of the iceberg.

So this isn't as much gross anymore as it is inconvenient. I had to do an emergency 24 on Friday, so mix in unloading pumpkins with the above instructions, and you can imagine what a fun day it was. Anyway, on to my point.

So, after completing your mission, you then get to take the above pictured, full, back into a lab where they draw a couple of vials of blood and you get to pee (again) in a cup. This is all very routine. No problems there. My only problem -- I started this on a Friday which means I had to go to the only Saturday lab. Strip had a fun morning at church planned, so it was just me and Nugget. We arrive at 11:30. Lab closes at 12, so I'm good. I was wrong.

Me: signs in at the desk while juggling stroller with hungry, cranky toddler, insurance card and a full jug.

Lab tech: Do you have a specimen to drop off?

Me: nooooo this is my water bottle. I just like the color Yes. (smiles and hands the nice man a jug of urine). Must be your lucky day!

Lab tech: looks totally confused. Reads the label, reads the order. Still looks confused. Ummmmm where did you get this?

Me: pointing to the large sticker that proudly displays this labs' name From the lab.

Lab tech: Well, was there anything in it when you picked it up?

Seriously?!?! This is not going to be good.

Me: nope. Just air.

Lab tech: Ok. Umm. have a seat we'll be with you in a minute.

I sit. One minute turns to 27. I hear another tech joyfully say, "Woo hoo! I'm locking the door!" as she skips out to the waiting area. Where I am sitting. With a VERY cranky toddler. She looks at me. There is NO ONE else in the lab not wearing scrubs. So her question:

new tech: Are you here for lab work?

Me: yes

nt: Oh, did you want it done at 12?

Me: Or now. Whatever is easier.

NT: oh! Ok sit tight! I'll find your stuff.

Fantastic. She then comes out and says she noticed on my orders that I brought in a specimen. Do you still have it? Nope, turned it in. Well, where is it? Uh, I'm not sure. I don't work here.

All I can think is they've lost my pee and I'm going to have to do this all over again. Good news they find the jug. And it's my turn. Yay.

Follow NT back to the back where I sit and show her the good vein. She strikes up a conversation about binkies. I make a comment about how when Nugget was in the NICU, they really wanted them to have a binkie. NT looks at me and says, "NICU? What's that?" Ok, you now have a needle in your hand and that scares me. I thought any nurse would know what a NICU was. Wow. So I explain. She draws my blood and says, "You're all set!"

Me: No, I'm not

NT: Why?

Me: I need to give you a urine sample.

NT: Nooooo you brought one in.

Me:Right, but that was a 24 hr one. I need to give you another one now.

NT: Hmmmm grabs the chart and reads

She then looks me right in the eye and says, "Oh, yeah well, we normally just skim a little off the top for that." Ok. First, that's gross. Second, that's wrong. So I say that I've done these a million times and this is how it goes, yadda yadda yah. NT finally tells me, "Fine, if you really want to." and hands me not a sterile cup with a lid, but a dixie cup with the lab's name stamped on the side. Wow. This is going to be fun trying to balance while pushing a stroller. So I bring it back to her and I say, "Thanks! Have a great weekend," and NT says, "You too! And hey, you were right!"

Wow. I really think she should have taken one more vial of blood, too so I have a good feeling that another brown jug will be in my future this week. The good news? I won't have to go to the Saturday lab.

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