Wow, I am one old lady

Last weekend was my Christmas Present weekend! My sweet husband surprised me with a wonderful note, two tickets to see Wicked and reservations at a hotel.

Old lady clue 1: When I looked at the hotel confirmation, I noticed it was for Friday and Saturday night. My response? Well why did you get 2 nights?! The show is Saturday, so we'll just go up Sat. and spend that night, then come home! Duh. Fun getaway.

He convinced me to go up for the whole weekend, so we wouldn't be rushed trying to get up there Sat and get ready for the show. So we head out after his Friday meetings are over. I cannot remember the last time it was just the two of us. Probably our honeymoon, but he ate some Mexican sushi, so he spent more time hanging out with the porcelain goddess than me. Every other time we've gone away, it's been with friends.

Anyway, I spend the car trip trying to change the radio to talk radio (old lady clue 2) while hubs can sing along to almost every song on 20 on 20 (old lady clue 3). Even to the point where I dispute a lyric that I swear he has made up, so I googled it on my phone to prove him wrong (old lady clue 4) but nope, he was right, I was wrong.

We get to the windy city, check in to the hotel where they have us down as celebrating our anniversary (ok, we'll roll with it) and I am guessing they slurred the notes, because hubs has a rewards thing and is a silver member, but they squished silver and anniversary, leading the sweet little check-in gal to say, "Oh! You are celebrating your silver anniversary. Is that 20 or 25 years?" Yup. We got married at 2 and 7. Our parents were cool with it (and that would be old lady clue 5 because I don't think she really got the fact that there was NO way we could have been married that long).

We head out to explore the city and look for something to eat. We stop in a wine bar to warm up, and would have eaten there, but we just had Italian the night before, so we keep moving, slushing through snow, and sludge. H spots a "cool bar" so we run across the street to see what they have to eat. I'm hungry so we put our name on the list and head to the bar. Good grief it's dark in here. And loud. Ah! I've turned into my father.

We had really good intentions of eating and heading to a piano bar, but after sitting at our table, I said I thought I was too tired to enjoy it and maybe we should just head back to the hotel after we eat. Oh, well, look at the time! It's 9:15. (Old lady 6). After a really yummy dinner, we shivered back to the hotel. I turned on the news (old lady 7) and hopped into bed, but in my old-lady defense, the old man was snoring before I could set the sleep timer.

It's Saturday, and we are in a hotel room without kids which means I can sleep in until... 6:30. Seriously?!?! Ugh. I have to laugh because as we were getting ready to leave, H looked out the window and said, "There is NO ONE on the streets today." They were all probably sleeping in. We have breakfast and start walking around ready to shop and do nothing and not be held down by potty breaks and snack time. So where do we go? The Disney Store. Nothing but kids' stuff and I just ended a 2+ year with the Mouse AND we have a Disney Store about 7 miles away from our house. But we go in anyway (old lady, ugh I've lost count. I guess that makes a double old lady). We did have a really fun day, and I didn't have to cut any one's meat. It was fun.

We go back and start getting ready for the big night. I was able to find an AH-mazing dress, but because I've had two kids, I can't just throw it on and go, so I have this little black girdle to wear under my little black dress. It holds in everything below your collar bone and above your knee in what can only be described as a bra meets biker shorts. Delightful. And because it's cold, I bought my first pair of hose in I don't know how long. At some point, my thoughtful husband asks, "How are you going to pee tonight?" and my response is, "I'm just not." I had already decided I wouldn't have a lot of water and would just wait. That plan went out the window sometime during "One Short Day."

I debated slipping out early and going to the bathroom while no one was in there because obviously, the only way to go would be to take off everything in a bathroom stall and I knew there would be a line...and that little crack where the door meets the wall part that locks. And no one needs to see that. BUT, I was too into the show, so as soon as Elphaba took off, so did I. And I was right, there was a line. But, there was also an attendant showing people where to go. Literally. And where is my lucky stall? Right where the line is waiting for open stalls. Ugh.

I get in, hang up my cute red dress jacket and start channeling my inner Nugget. Surely a kid who can pull off a diaper while wearing overalls had to inherit that talent from someone, and I've changed from school clothes to ballet tights and a leotard in a car, so I could do this. And I did. Unfortunately, I couldn't get back in to everything. Fearing that if I actually unzipped my dress, I wouldn't be able to get it zipped back up, I hoisted my girdle up under my skirt as best I could and put my jacket back on. I then did the "my old lady girdle bra is somewhere around my belly button" shuffle back to my seat where my sweet spouse was anxious to hear how I pulled it off which of course I hadn't been able to, so I had to share my all time favorite story about getting stuck in my sports bra in the locker room of health central. That was a classic. I enjoy the second act with my muffin top supported by underwire and we catch a cab back to the hotel.

We are ready to go back home the next day, but not after stopping by Land of Nod to look at big boy room stuff for Nugget. You can take the kids away from the parents, but you just can't take the parents out of the parents, I guess.

Because I'm kinda lazy

Hubs and I are heading out for my early Christmas present, and things have been kind of slow around here. Well, that's not true. I took Strip ice skating and it was lots of fun. She looked at me at one point on the ice and said, "Weebles wobble but they don't fall down. But I'm weebling and wobbling and I DO fall down!"

Also, Nugget is one foot away from being able to climb out of his crib, can remove his diaper while wearing overalls and can strip down when wearing overalls. My kids are amazing.

So because it's Christmas, and I get these lovely forwards, but refuse to forward them on, here's the Christmas addition of getting to know your friends!

Enjoy, and have a great weekend!

1. Wrapping paper or gift bags? Paper, with big, pretty hand-made bows. Mom rocks at these. I have been slack and only have three presents under the tree, so my bows will be stick-ons this year.
2. Real tree or Artificial? Real, all the way. Nothing beats the smell of a real tree!
3. When do you put up the tree? After Thanksgiving. We respect the bird.
4. When do you take the tree down? After the New Year but I would totally leave it up until July if I could. I hate undecorating from Christmas.
5. Do you like eggnog? Ugh, no, I don't even like to look at it. Gross.
6. Favorite gift received as a child? oooh, we got lots of good stuff, but probably when my brother and I got hamsters. That totally convinced me that there HAD to be a Santa Clause, because there was no way my parents would actually buy those little rats!
7. Hardest person to buy for? Dad
8. Easiest person to buy for? Nugget and Strip
9. Do you have a nativity scene? Yes! I bought a beautiful one last year that has candles all around it and is just lovely, and the kiddos got the little people one this year, and they LOVE it.
10. Mail or email Christmas cards? Mail
11. Worst Christmas gift you ever received? Yeah, mom, I'll say it. A job application. Nothing says "I love you," like a piece of paper saying, "Get to work!" In the parents defense, mom says she did it so I could ice skate whenever I wanted to.
12. Favorite Christmas Movie? Of all time? Christmas Vacation, but I love Elf and Love Actually (does that count as a Christmas movie?), too
13. When do you start shopping for Christmas? February. I shop all year long. But I still buy like a mad woman this time of year. But it works out. I just pull stuff and give it to the kids for their birthdays in a few months!
14. Have you ever recycled a Christmas present? I don't think so.
15. Favorite thing to eat at Christmas? Yummy cookies and fudge. MIL's recipe, and hubs is a fantastic baker!
16. Lights on the tree? White and the giant colored bulbs.
17. Favorite Christmas song? O Holy Night. But I don't think I have a least favorite Christmas song! Oh, take that back. I HATE Bruce Springstien's drunk version of "Santa Clause is coming to town." Ugh.
18. Travel at Christmas or stay home? Now that we have kids, stay home. m
19. Can you name all of Santa's reindeer's? Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen (Fixin' as Strip calls him) Comet, Cupid, Donner and Blitzen, and I recall, the most famous reindeer of all, Rudolph the red nosed reindeer.
20. Angel on the tree top or a star? Star, and this year, we actually have one! Thanks mom and dad!
21. Open the presents Christmas Eve or morning? We open one present Christmas eve, and it's new pj's and an ornament for the tree. Everything else on Christmas.
22. Most annoying thing about this time of the year? Mean shoppers, and crazy parking lot drivers.
23. Favorite ornament theme or color? Our tree is very eclectic.
24. Favorite for Christmas dinner? Potatoes. Hashbrown casserole, or mashed.
25. What do you want for Christmas this year? I'm already getting it! We're going to see Wicked this weekend!

It's not what you say, it's how you say it.

My mom ALWAYS said this to me. I hated the expression. Well, it's true. A couple of days ago, Strip was hanging out with me while I was getting ready. She turns around and says,

"Mom. What's your problem?"

Uh, what did you just say?

"I said what's your PROBLEM?!?"

I stood there a little stunned at the rudeness spewing from my three year olds's mouth when she elaborated.

I'm the reindeer, Fixin' (Blitzen). I fix things. So what's you're problem?"

We worked on saying, "How can I help you?" but based on a lot of the customer service I've dealt with this Christmas, she is so ready to work in retail!

My kids don't need me

As I was spell checking and publishing the last post, I noticed the basement get mysteriously quiet. I went to the stairs and saw the door was open, and Nugget was not down here with us. I ran up stairs, and there was Nugget. I guess he was thirsty. He went to the refrigerator, opened it up, selected his milk (he drinks something different from the rest of us) , carried it over to the kitchen table, put his sippy next to it, and had climbed up in his chair. When he looked up and saw me, he said, "Moe?"

You hear these horrible stories of single parents dying in apartments, and the cops finding the kid three days later in the apartment, and they've survived against all odds. I do not worry about my kids. If I died while the hubs was out of town, I think they would be ok, and they wouldn't be living off of toilet water and dry noodles!

Kids aren't the only ones who say the darndest...

Old people and strangers do, too. You can scroll down to my Thanksgiving shopping post to read about what idiot "jeweler" said to me, but this post is more about pregnancy and parenting comments.

For some reason, when you get pregnant, you suddenly open yourself up to verbal abuse. I'm not really sure why these two things go hand in hand, but they just do. And I'm not sure when it stops. Honestly, it's like people have no filter. I know (first hand) that pregnancy brain makes you a total idiot, but it must be contagious, because everyone around you becomes idiotic, too. I had one girlfriend who had just given birth to her second son, we're talking feet still in the stirrups, when the nurse looked at her and said, "So are you going to try for a girl?" Umm right now, I think I'll put my feet down and see how long it takes for me to be able to sneeze without wetting my pants.

So, here are some little gems that I've received over the years that have been burned into my brain. If you have some, please leave them for me. I don't want to think I'm alone in this!

After announcing your pregnancy:

Oh! We're you trying? Why do people need to know this? Will it make them feel better about an oops baby they had? I mean obviously you were trying because you have the bloat to show for it. I only know one person who wasn't "trying" to get pregnant, and we'll celebrate her son's birthday in a couple of weeks.

When you're pregnant (this one might get long): How much weight have you gained? Really? Did you really just ask me that? How much weight have YOU gained in the past 6 months? And what's your excuse, because I'm growing a person, so I think a 7 lb gain is ok.

Are you sure it's not twins?!? Ha, ha ha. I did have my BOSS ask me this when I was super-dee-dooper pg with #2, and yeah, he's a Pastor (waves hello to PJ if your reading this!) I'm not sure why people thing a giant ball of hormones can take fat jokes. I really don't.

Are you wearing that pink shirt because secretly hope the baby's a girl? I don't put a lot of thought into my wardrobe to begin with, so no, this is just the only tarp that would fit my "twin sized" belly today. What do you think I secretly want when I wear a black shirt? A goth baby?

Are you delivering vaginally? Again, why do you need to know?

Are you going to breastfeed? Do you use tampons? While yes, I did, it is a personal decision that strange people really don't need to know. Because I would get either "Well, I formula fed my babies and they turned out JUST fine" or "good for you, you are doing the right thing." I'm not judging you, why are you judging me?

When are you due? This isn't rude. It was the follow-up I got when I responded with "23 weeks!" Ohhh That's how far along my neighbor's daughter was when she lost the baby. Well, thank you. That gives me something to stress about for the next 4 weeks until I can hear the heartbeat again.

You're about to have a baby?! I couldn't even tell you were pregnant. I am sure this sweet little 17 year-old Harris Teeter bag boy meant that in a sweet way, but I was 3 days pre first child's birth and had gained WELL over 50 lbs. You so just called me fat, kid.

After the baby is out:

Wow. You new moms these days bring your kids out so early. Why, back in my day... I am sorry. My child was born smack in the middle of wedding season. My husband works 15 hour days. I do not have any family around to babysit, so yes, I had to bring her with me to get wedding presents, and then we are going to the grocery store. She is in her car seat bucket, covered up. I am not passing her around the store asking people to lick her, so I think she'll be ok. Other options are leave her at home with the dog watching her or leave her in the car. What did you want me to do?

He's cute! He's a she. See the bow in the hair? The DRESS. With Strip, I actually got her a onesie that said, "I am not a boy" on it. Still, people called her a boy. I had one lady argue with me in a hallmark store. She said, "What a BIG BOY! I can't believe he's just a week old." I said, "No, she really a small girl. (moved the blanket so you could see her tiny little body), SHE just has a giant head!" "No, that is a really big boy." You're totally right, lady she is a boy, and she is giant. I guess it evens out because people were still calling Nugget a girl two months ago (what can I say, he's a pretty boy!). And I know people are just trying to be nice, but if you are not 100%, don't guess a gender. Say, "What a sweet baby! What's your name?" if you need a hint.

That baby is so uncomfortable. I don't think it's breathing. I was a baby wearer. I had a sling, and if my giant babies would still fit in it, I would probably still use it. Mine was a very thin piece of material that went across my shoulder and the kids would just curl up in a little ball. They loved it. My inside-my-head thought was always, "Yes, she is so uncomfortable, she fell asleep" but I would normally say, "Oh, well. This is a lot more spacious than the place she was 3 weeks ago!"

I know there are more, so I will have to update later when I think of them. Nugget is climbing up on the desk and trying to sit on the keyboard.

It's all about the Washingtons

Because the basement still had the faint smell of a wet dog, I thought I would pick up some wallflower refills to freshen the place up. After hitting Costco and making some returns, the kiddos and I popped in B&BW's. I had promised Strip a juice box at "the next store" forgetting we had to make this stop, but I said we would be in and out, no problem and the juice box was all hers if she could keep her cool until we made it to the Loft.

So we head back to the wallflower refill section and I'm looking for what I need when an older lady comes up next to me and reaches up to the top shelf to pull down 3 wall flowers. She reaches up to get the 4th, but can't reach it. She calls her friend over to see if she can reach it, but she can't. With all of the holiday shoppers, the employees are swamped at the register, and I hated to see these ladies have to wait, so I stepped in.

Now, I am not a jolly blond giant, but I do have a part monkey three-year-old (last night she discovered the fun of hanging from the support beam in the basement. All those toys and the things they play with). So I said, "If you'd like, I can toss her up there to see if she can reach it." The ladies were elated. I showed Strip the box she was going for and told her what color the stripe on the box was so she would get the right one. I boost her up, she grabs it and saves the day.

Me: Hand it to the nice lady

Strip: Here you go!

Nice lady: digging in her purse Thank you so much sweetie! And here's a little something for you! hands Strip a dollar

Me: Oh, no, you don't need to do that!

Nice Lady: Nonsense! She deserves a little something for doing that for me!

Me: Oh really, getting to climb the shelf was a treat!

Nice Lady: Looks past me to Strip Merry Christmas Sweetie! Thank you for your help.

Strip: THANK YOU!

Strip was blown away.

Strip: Oh Mommy! It's a whole dollar just for me!

Me: I know! Isn't that special! You did something nice for someone, and they wanted to thank you.

Strip: You know what I'm gonna do with this dollar? I'm gonna save it (Dave Ramsey would be so proud). I'm gonna save it and buy something super special like a cookie at Fresh Market.

She stares at her dollar for another minute, and zips it up in her coat pocket. Then she looks around the store and says:

Hmmmm. I wonder who else needs something "nice" done for them....

My little entrepreneur.

We have a rooster

And her name is Strip. The kid has always been a morning person. Always. When she was little, the rule was in your crib, lights off and quiet from 8-8. If you woke up at 4 am, fantastic, but we are not moving breakfast. You'll have it at 8. She was always fine and would either sleep until 8 or I would hear her playing or reading. Always super happy. I am not a morning person. I figured it was good that I had a morning baby because if we had to get up, at least both of us weren't going to be in a bad mood.

When she moved to a big girl bed, she would come in early in the morning to check on us.

Strip: Time to get up?!

Me: No.

Strip: .... now?

Because my 20 month old couldn't tell time, I told her, she had to stay in her room until the sun was awake. That has worked really well.

Now, she gets up at the CRACK of dawn. And I swear the child falls asleep mid-sentence and wakes up completing it. She is super chipper which is super hard to love before 6:30 am.

So yesterday, she comes in and says, "Hey mom. Would it be alright with you if I used your bathroom? You see, mine didn't have any toilet paper, but I put some in the little holder thingy, so now there is some toilet paper...." And she rattles on, and on, and on (I have no idea where she gets that from). After mumbling something that sounded like yes, she proceeds to turn on EVERY light in our room/bathroom/closet. At this point, Nugget has heard her talking and wants to get up. I stumble in to his room and am changing a diaper when Strip walks in to his room, looks at me and says,

Strip: Well, what are you doing up?!

Me: Well, someone turned on every light in my room and woke me up, and then someone was talking with an outside voice and woke her little brother up, so I thought I'd get about my day.

Strip: Oh. Well, I need a few minutes, so I'm just going to be in my room reading. If you need anything, just let me know.

Me: Will do.

So this morning, I am in a haze, but hear her come in and chat with the hubs and turn on every light in our room, again. Oh, and just as a visual, when our house was built, apparently overhead lighting wasn't cool, so the light that we have in our room comes from lamps on the bedside tables, and because we were trying to save the earth and all, we purchased those energy-saving light bulbs which really, I think, do nothing more than hurt your eyes they are so bright and make you want to turn them off, hence, saving energy (how do you like this run-on sentence?) so not only are lights coming on when you are dead to the world, they are super intense right in your face.

So, I'm chatting with the hubs later today and we were giggling about what a nut Strip is. Turns out, she busted up in the bathroom this morning and heard him in the shower.

Strip: Hey! What are you doing?!?

Hubs: AH! Geeze! I'm getting ready for work, what are you doing?

Strip: I'm just going to the bathroom.

Hubs: Ok.

Strip: flush I'll be in my room playing with my princesses and reading, ok dad?

Hubs: Ok.

He gets out of the shower and these are the lights that are on: Bathroom, closet, bathroom where the toilet is, our two bedside table lamps, the hall light, the kids' bathroom light, the guest room (which the door was closed, so she opened the door to turn the light on), her room, the stairway light, the Christmas tree (don't worry, it's a remote control, not a plug), the downstairs hall light, the dining room, the kitchen, breakfast nook and family room light. Take that energy saving bulbs.

So little miss smarty pants has now figured out that if she wakes up, and the sun's not out, she'll just make her own.

I need a nap.

What do you do with your Christmas cards?

We did it. We took the picture.

And for those of you who don't have 2 kids and a dog, let me walk you through the process.

1. Find matching, cute Christmas outfits. Make sure they are neatly pressed. This is really pointless because in about two minutes the kids will be rolling around on the floor getting every dog hair and tree needle on their now wrinkled duds (and if one of the kids is getting a new tooth, you can add drool to that).
2. Find a place to take the picture. I went with in front of the tree. Line up 2 kid size chairs and put the dog next to them. Take a picture of the dog to check the lighting.
3. Get the two kids ready, in position and drag the dog over to the chairs. Instruct the older kid to hold the dog. This translates into big kid with one arm around the dog and one arm around little bro. Awe. So sweet. Get ready to snap the picture. Snap it just as Big Sis leans too far into the dog, falls off the chair, drags little brother out of the frame with her and causes the dog to roll her eyes with an I'm-way-too-old-for-this look and wanders into the other room as you position the kids back on the chairs with the promise of a candy cane if we can just do this.
4. Repeat #3 about 8 times and realize this isn't working.
5. Scrap the chair and get everyone to just stand by the tree. Cute, except Baby Bro loves to say, "Whoa!" while walking backwards, so he starts leaning on the tree, almost tipping it over.
6. Start bringing in the props and Smarties. Give everyone (including the dog) a smartie as you hand the kids a Rudolph. Hear your older child scream, "BUT I WANT TO HOLD IT!" and grab another Christmas toy. Try a book. Try another Smartie. Try for kids in a totem pole pose with dog, on the ground, sis standing behind and little bro on a step stool. Remember that your son thinks he is part lion after you take 4 pictures of him roaring, and 2 pictures where the dog has wandered off and one of your older child "lovingly" pushing your baby off the stool because she wants to be tall.
7. Look out at the snow. Get all artistic and take a picture of them with a snowy backdrop. See that your kids keep turning around to look out of the window and get super artistic. Go outside in the snow in the most accessible shoes (crocs) and take a picture of the children looking out at the snow. Get an awesome picture of the screen and a reflection of you in your pjs. Have the great idea to toss the kids outside in the winter wonder land. Take one picture of both children looking down at their shoes (the dog is now hiding in the basement and no amount of Smarties is getting her to come outside).
8. Decided it's nap time for everyone.
9. During nap time, suck it up and tell Hubs that this year the whole family will be in the picture. Either that or get the carseats out and 5 point harness those babies in front of the tree. Take a shower and dig out that bag of make up. Remember that you needed to get new make up. Remember that you also need a hair cut and an eyebrow wax. Kick yourself for eating all that food last week. Pick something festive.
10. Think it will be fun to take the picture outside in the new fallen snow. Grab the camera, coffee can, three bowls. Assemble a platform for the digital camera and test out the timer. Realize that your outfit is not as cute as you thought it was and put on that super cute new coat you got yesterday. Test the camera again, at a different angle. Love the shot, but also notice that you look too marshmallow-y. Change again. Perfect shot, but the three bowls keep slipping, knocking your camera into the snow. Look up to see your husband playing playstation and taking a picture of you with his phone.
11. Come to the realization that it's too cold for all of that. Come inside and have your helpful husband remind you that you have three tripods in the garage. Find a tripod. Find the little piece you need to attach your camera to the tripod. Grab the older kid and take a test shot by the window. Look over at the tree. Go back to where the photo shoot started. Get the angle perfect with one kid. Then you and one kid. Then you, one kid, a husband and a dog. Thank God for digital photography.
12. Get baby up from nap and re-dress everyone.
13. Start the timer picture fun. After 9 shots that aren't going to work, think you'll be funny and say "booty!" right before the flash to make the kids laugh. Remember your chat with God about being "funny" just as the flash goes off and see a really BAD picture of yourself (awesome of everyone else). Thank God again for digital photography. Remind everyone about the candy canes wait in the kitchen. Take 10 more shots. Announce that you are taking three more pictures and that's it. If we don't get it, no candy canes for anyone. Take three more pictures and call it a day.
14. Look at the very last picture from the day. Everyone looking at the camera? Check. Cute of the kids? Check. Cute of hubby and dog? Check. Are you in the picture? Check.
15. Upload the picture into the card. Realize after looking at it that it's really not a great picture of you. Then remember that you are the mom, and sometimes you just have to suck it up.

So Merry Christmas. And whenever you get a photo card from someone, don't think, "That's cute," and toss it. Put that bad boy somewhere nice. Pack it away and bring it out next year, and for years to come. Or if you do just tear and toss, please don't tell me. My 15 steps can't take it.

Don't make jokes. I just give God the oppurtunity to have the last laugh.

Thanksgiving week, I was chatting with my neighbor about Black Friday shopping. I mentioned that I really didn't need anything, and in fact, I had pretty much finished all of my Christmas shopping. Everything was tucked away in a nice, little room in the basement.

"Lets just hope the basement doesn't flood!"

Ha ha ha. Hop on over to Sunday evening. Our Thanksgiving guests had left, and as I came down the stairs I got a whiff of something not so nice. I was convinced that someone had pooped on the floor, but found nothing. We spent a romantic evening sniffing the entire house. We were convinced something had died in the wall.

Yesterday, I'm down in the basement working on the computer. Because the computer desk and chair are on carpet, we have one of those plastic mats so the chair rolls around easier. I was so excited to find the camera cord to upload pictures from our fun weekend in the snow, but when I bent down to plug it in, I noticed a little puddle -- on the floor -- under the plastic mat. Huh. That's odd. We don't bring drinks down in the basement... Hubby walks in from work about 10 minutes later and I mentioned the odd little wet spot. We go investigating and guess what?! Something was up with one of the pumps in the basement. And where were all of the Christmas presents? You guessed it! Snuggled up in the little room with the water heater and all the standing water.

But wait! There's more! As mentioned before, our Christmas card was looking pretty sweet with the home haircuts, bruises and head injuries.

Today, I'm waiting to pick Strip up from school and am chatting with some other moms. Nugget is walking around, falling all over himself. So I make the "funny" comment,

"Boy, we need to take that Christmas card picture quick before you sustain a MAJOR head injury!"

Ha ha ha. We went out to get a tree tonight (whole other post) and come in feeling festive, so I say we should hang our stockings! The camera is dead, so I have the super long cord plugged into the wall. I take pictures of the kids hanging their stockings, and Strip says, "Let me take one of you hanging your 'socking'!" I hand her the camera and am posing by the fire as Nugget wraps himself up in the long camera cord, falls over and knocks the camera out of Strip's hand. Awesome. He also had a little cup of applesauce he was holding while screaming "EEE! EEE!" which means eat. I'm trying to get the camera to work, now that it's hit the ground, so I tell Nugget to take it to daddy.

Daddy is in the kitchen, standing at my desk getting something out of a drawer, and Nugget walks full speed right in to that super sharp rolly edge thing that makes the drawer roll in and out. I have never seen a goose egg pop up so quickly. So now the poor kid looks like a unicorn. I think I'm just going to stop being "funny." You win, God!

Follow up from Thanksgiving eating.

When I did my retail therapy a few weeks ago, I bought a ton of new pants that fit me pretty darn close to perfect. Woo hoo! I decided to pop the tags on a new pair Saturday night because we were going out to dinner. As I'm getting ready, Strip wanders in to my bathroom to see what I'm up to. After a couple of minutes of her just standing there, staring at me, I say:

Me: Hey, what do you think of my new pants?
Strip: Your booty looks like two giant mountains.

Thanks kid. And watch out because in 25 years, YOUR kid could be saying the same thing about you.

Whoa! That week flew!

I'd like to start out this post by saying that my laziness has paid off. Nugget has been Wub free for a week now and is sleeping and napping like a champ! To celebrate, I took him to get a hair cut on Saturday, and he now looks like he got attacked with a Flowbee.

We had a gobble gobble good Thanksgiving! BIL and SIL came up for the week and we had tons of fun hanging out with them. I cooked our combined weight in food for Thanksgiving, and all in all, I think tasted ok. AND we were eating at 12:15! Can you believe it mom?!?

My proudest accomplishment was the bread. I thought I would try baking my own rolls this year. My sweet husband's response to that announcement was, "Have you ever made bread before?" Nope. That was going to be one of those things I checked off my to-do list before we had kids. Oh well! I assured him, there was a giant can of Pillsbury Crescent rolls in the fridge in case of emergency, and I'm proud to say that they are still there. Feast you eyes on these puppies:

Heck yeah. Bake my own bread, check.

This could be really good or really bad.

Neither one of my kids were binkie babies. They did, however, become binkie toddlers. Nugget was given a binkie in the NICU, so he had one early on, but never really "needed" it. BUT, both kids got all 4 top teeth at the same time and instantly fell in love with a binkie.

Strip would only take an Auburn one (War Eagle!) and Nugget only wanted the ones that he got in the NICU, which of course you couldn't get in a store (you can now, but Target waited until after I had special ordered them from a special website. Special read expensive). So while I was ordering the vanilla sented binkies for Nugget, I noticed the cutest thing ever. I give you, the wubbanub:

Super cute huh?! Yup, it's a litte beenie baby kinda thing sewn onto a binkie. Adorable! It makes it really easy to find, too. Espically if your kid chunks it out of the stroller while walking around Epcot, and he's only 6 weeks old, and it's the ONLY binkie you brought to WDW, and the soothie binkies still aren't available in stores so you are frantically thinking that you are going to have to track down a NICU and beg for one. No fear because it looks like a toy, so a kind soul will pick it up, realize it's connected to a binkie, and set it on a bench. Woo hoo! Vacation saved.

Anyway, Nugget loves the Wub, but now has more teeth, and likes to chew on it. I picked it up yesterday and needed both hands, so popped it in my mouth. That's when I noticed the unthinkable had happened - there were a few tiny holes in it. Tear. The Wubbanub is on the way out.

This happened with Strip's, but she was a little older, so I said, "Oh no! It's broken! Guess we'll have to throw it away." And she threw them all away and that was the end of it. I don't think Nugget is there yet.

But Wubs was out in the car this afternoon when it was nap time, so I let him pick out a truck to play with while he fell asleep, and he went down fine. Tonight, the Uncle J was in town, so we ate a little later, brushed teeth a little later and went to bed a little later. Nugget and I did our bedtime routine, and he went to bed -- without Wubs!

I went back upstairs later to check on Strip, well really Uncle J -- he was in charge of reading Strip's story (meaning ONE) and I wanted to see how many she got him to read --and stopped outside of Nuggets room. He was singing himself to sleep.

Nice. We'll see if he makes it though the night. Could we be Wubbanub free?? Knock on wood!

Picture Time 2!

Wow. Get ready for an awesome Christmas card from our family. Strip has some major chapped lips, so she looks like collagen gone wrong, and Nugget fell out of a chair, on to his head (yeah, we have issues with gravity around here) resulting in a lovely goose egg, followed by falling into his little table giving him an awesome matching bruise across his cheek. The doggie's doing ok, though. So at least one kid is hanging in there. Hmmm maybe we'll just send out new years cards this year...

Don't watch tv in bed

'Cause if you do, there are a couple of not so good things that could happen. Well, one's not bad, just not my favorite thing to get at 1 am, and that would be a 3 year-old's beady eyes staring at you saying, "What's going on?" Stupid tv buzzes, and I turned up the volume.

The other thing is you can end up watching some really weird stuff. I kind of laughed when we moved to the sunshine state. Within a week, Dateline was doing a "To Catch a Predator" right down the street. Literally. If that wasn't good enough, a couple of weeks later, Primetime did a special on these high school kids who killed their band teacher. And where was the high school? You guessed it, right outside our neighborhood.

So after the big move, I was feeling pretty good. Great town, nice neighborhood, fun neighbors (not as fun as you, old neighbors! We love and miss you!), low crime rate. Then we went trick-or-treating. New Neighbor pointed out a house that was for rent that apparently was involved in some super big drug sting a year or so ago. Awesome! I tuck myself in last night, and since Tivo still thinks we live a few states away from where we do, he has no clue what the channels are (bless Tivo's heart, he's still recording episodes of House for me, only USA on Tivo is really the Spanish channel here. E for effort!). This means, I spend much more time stuck on informative channels. One night, I watched a 30 minute show on how to make zippers, and it was fascinating!

Anyway, last night, I start watching a really great show called "You might as well throw yourself off a bridge." I don't think that was really the name, but it should have been, because after watching this show you feel like you might as well throw yourself off a bridge. It's all about this magical fault line in the middle of nowhere, USA, that had a super huge earthquake that caused the Mississippi to flow backwards. Yeah. It was that bad. And we don't live ON this spot, but apparently, the next quake is supposed to ripple through surrounding states, and we are so in one of those states. And I was worried about tornadoes. Let's just say, I'm not moving to Memphis anytime soon. Yikes.

Mommy Brain!

Forgot to post these when they happened, so here goes:

Strip loves to say the blessing. Loves it. When she was Nugget's age she would bow her head and scream "AMEN!" when we finished, but now she can say it all by herself. Normally, we get to hear either "God is great, God is good," or "The Lord is good to meeeee, and so I 'fank' da Lord!" but now, she's started preachin' from the heart.

We were at the beach in August, and I guess she heard Uncle B say the blessing and wanted to try one like him. So her new blessing is:

Fank you God for dis wonderful food

We hope we like it

and we hope we enjoy it

Amen

Love it. Short, to the point, and while "fanking" God for the food, she also slips in a little slap to the face about my cooking. Fun!

I think she must have a little preacher in her, somewhere, too. In my mom's bible study group, I shared that every day at the same time, Strip would have a meltdown. You could set you watch to it. One mom suggested saying a prayer with her right before she went into meltdown mode. GREAT idea! She loves God, she loves pray, this will work.

So the next day, 4:27 rolls around, and it's about to get ugly. I stop her and say, "Strip, why don't we say a prayer together." She says OK. So I do an impromptu prayer saying Dear God, please help Strip to have her listening ears. Help her to make good choices so we can have a fun night, amen. Amen. Flip out. Didn't work.

A few days later, we are in my favorite warehouse store. It had been a long day, and poor Nugget was done. He's screaming, I'm trying to dig a sippy out of a giant cart filled with chicken, oatmeal, peanut butter an whatever else we needed. We are standing outside of the bathrooms and a lady is walking toward us. Strip, not able to take it anymore, decides to take charge and says at the top of her lungs

" It's ok mommy! I'll say a prayer! Dear Jesus,
PUULEEZE help mom to put on her listening ears so she can figure out what Nugget wants and he'll stop crying. Amen"

Good thing we were near the bathroom because I think the woman walking past us would have wet her pants had she been any farther away.

Picture Time!

Christmas time is coming soon! I know it is, you know why? Christmas music on XM? No, but thank you Tif for the heads up on that one. Snow? Not yet, but it's getting there? What is it then, that screams, "Time to take a picture?" Well, lets review:

Strip's first Christmas card she was sick as a dog and looked like Rudolf with her little red nose.

Strip's second Christmas, she walked into the corner of a table at the Cracker Barrel resulting in a black eye.

Just last week, we had picture day at school, and what does the child do? A back flip out of a kitchen chair. Forehead, meet hard wood floor and say, "Goose egg!"

So with the time to take Christmas cards coming up quickly, I was contemplating wrapping both of them in bubble wrap until I could snap a good pic. Today was nuts.

We ran errands this morning, then got in just in time to put Nugget down for a nap and Husband to call saying carpet cleaners will be coming today. Awesome. The window was between 2 and 6, so I fully expected to see them around 6:15. They show up about 15 min after I put Nugget down for a nap. Awesome. They agree to do his room last. I let the Wizard of Oz babysit Strip while I started making dinner for our neighbors. Strip wants to do "craps" so she asks to use her scissors. No problem, she's been an awesome cutter for over a year now and Nugget is tucked away upstairs.

Finish dinner, cleaners are ready to do Nugget's room, I have to wake a baby. Yikes. Nugget was cranky, I get him downstairs, trying to fix a little snack for him when I here Strip say,

"Mommy! Look what I did!"

In typical mom fashion, I glance over and give her the old, "Ohhhh nice, Strip!" Only when I glance up she's holding something that looks like hair. No scratch that. It is hair. Gasp.

I can hear my mother laughing now, because when I was about Strip's age, I gave myself a niiiice set of bangs. Really nice. Luckily, it's one piece, and I THINK it's in a spot on the back of her head where it will blend in with the rest of her hair.

Awesome. I think we'll just take the picture tomorrow before they are either bald or missing an eye.

It's all in the family

So a friend of the Husbands from work has been hanging out with us. It's actually the couple that H lived with for the 2 months he was up here before we moved up, so I have NO problem having them over and feeding them. We owe them big time. Anyway, strip has started refering to him as "Uncle." Tonight, we were getting ready for bed, and she was asking how Uncle C fit in to our family. I explained that it was fine to call him "uncle" (if that was ok with him), but that he wasn't really related to us like real uncles were.

Strip: Well, who are my real uncles then?
Me: You have your great uncles, then mommy and daddy's brothers Uncle J and Uncle P.
Strip: And name my aunts
Me: Aunt T, Aunt C and Aunt T.
Strip: You forgot one.
Me: Who?
Strip: Aunt M!
M is my brothers girlfriend who we all love and adore and he's been dating as long as Stip has been alive. Yeah. Did you read that, P?!
Me: Well, M really isn't your aunt. Not yet anyway.
Strip: What do you mean?
Me: Remember how you had an Uncle J and a Miss T? Then J and T got married and T became Aunt T?
Strip: Yeah...
Me: Well, when Uncle P marries M, THEN she'll be your Aunt.
Strip: Oh. (three seconds go by) Is she my aunt now?
Me: No. And M has been waiting a LOT longer than three seconds.

Kids are weird

And I think I have the weirdest.

As mentioned before, we have ladybugs everywhere. Some inside, but a bunch outside. My kid is terrified of them. Why? I have no idea. They land on her and she screams, "GET IT OFF!" or if there's one inside, I know it "Ooooohhhh mommy! There are two ladybugs in your tub! You better get them out! Want me to call daddy?"

I think that being scared of ladybugs is odd, but not crazy. What's crazy is that her favorite toy is this:

Meet Creepy. Creepy was purchased at Target for $.50, and it was just one of those days. I had been working a lot, husband had moved already and we were in Target getting some things for work. I let the kids grab something to play with while I had to shop. We had been in Target almost 4 times that week, and they both got the same thing each time, Strip getting this thing and Nugget getting a frog (nice). On this day, Strip asked very nicely if we could take their new friends home. Since they had both been troopers and since they were only $1 for both, I figured why not. I looked at Strip and said, "You really want to get that thing?" "Yes please!" "Geeze, Strip that is one creepy lizard." "Well, he's my creepy lizard and I love him.

Can't argue with that. She's taken that creepy thing everywhere. Creepy even came on the house hunt and went in every house that we looked at (realtor has 2 kids, so she understood).

So I really do not understand how a kid can be scared of this

when you are in love with this

Like I said, kids are weird.

Ladybugs are the new frogs

I love our realtor. She was awesome. She took us to see a ton of houses, but always knew what we wanted/needed and helped us find the.perfect.house. As a little welcome gift, she brought over this:

Super cute little friend is sitting on our front porch. She bought him as a reminder to Fully Rely On God (frog) and just thought it was cute. I thought it was FANtastic. In old home, we had a ton of creepy crawlies. Walking out on the laini was like walking into Jurassic Park. Lizards would scurry everywhere. And if you went outside after the sun went down or right before it came up, you were guaranteed to have a frog attack. Ugh they were everywhere. They would hop in the car, hop in the front door, hop on your face, uuuggggghh gross.

So we move in the new house, I was happy to get away from that aspect of nature. I'm drying my hair in the bathroom day one when I hear a little buzzz. I was thinking gross black fly, but I was wrong. Ladybug! They are EVERYWHERE here. They come in through the vents and are all over the place. I think ladybugs are lucky, so we have the luckiest house on the block.

You can only imagine how tickled I was to see the welcome frog (old house) with a little ladybug (new house) sitting next to it. Funny! Now I think I will have to find a little stone figure incorporating each place we move. I really hope we move to Germany next. How hilarious will it be to find a frog and a ladybug chillin with a beer stein?!

Off to google that!

Thanksgiving day is coming Mr. Turkey said!

Fall is here! And how do I know it? Because last week I did this:

Oh yeah. Four bags packed full-o-leaves. And not just oh, this bag's full, on to the next. I had both kids in the trash can, hoppin around to really crunch them down. I'm good.

I had some help

I did leave one giant pile in the backyard so the kids could do this

Yup, nothing better than sliding into a leaf pile.

Strip has also been learning some fun Thanksgiving facts. Today, they learned songs about Pilgrims and Indians. I asked her what a Pilgrim was and she said,

"It's an Indian without a leaf on his head."

Awe. She's so wise. Digging deep to look past the divides of two different cultures and recognize that under all of our leaves, we are all the same.

On another fall note, I went shopping Saturday. Woo hoo. I was really excited, I was ready. I have not been shopping for me since maternity clothes when pregnant with Strip. Other than that, it's been a few things here and there, but moving to a colder climate made me realize that I have 3 sweaters and that's not going to cut it.

I was psyched. Kids were having and all day fun-a-thon with husband, and I had the whole day to spend some cash. I was shopping online, scoping out sales and stores, and seeing what's hot and what's not. I got up early and had our Saturday pancake breakfast, then was at the mall 30 mins before they opened. I walked into Nords so ready to hit their sale racks. Whoa. Big mistake. Here I am in a 10 year-old pea coat with 8 year-old uggs in desperate need of a haircut and eyebrow wax completely overwhelmed. Instead of my three shots of espresso to start the day, I think I should have had three shots of tequila. I left, and looked for my happy place. Ahhhh, the Banana. In and out in no time. I got a hot new bag which I desperately needed because, oh yeah, I was using Strip's small diaper bag as a purse that day, and a purple sweater (because purple seems to be "the" color).

Yay! I'm doing well! I left and had a little lunch before hitting the Loft. I grabbed some cute stuff and was feeling pretty good about how my day was going, when chick next door pipes up. It never fails that I end up in the dressing room next to her.

"Excuse me, miss? These pants are just soooo baggy on me. Do you have anything smaller than a 2?"

UGH. If that weren't bad enough, 17 comments later, she's asking for a shirt and says, "Well I like these tops to fit a little more baggy, so maybe I should try the 4 petite."

Great. The only thing that made that trip better was going to pay with my 2 gift cards and only having one. DANG!

Jewelry store! Score! I can get my rings cleaned. Making small talk with the two bored sales clerks, the guy was waaaaaay too chatty. Ring cleaner girl hands back my rings and was asking how long Husband and I had been married, then she asked if we had kids.

"Yup, 2."

man -- "One of each?"

me -- "Yup."

man -- "oh good for you!"

me -- .......

girl -- "How old? Are they little?"

me -- "3 1/2 and 18 months."

man -- "Wow, so they are young. You still look pretty good!"

me -- "Ok, you have a great weekend."

Wow.

And to further torture myself (and because it was just too darn cold for a bikini) I went bra shopping. Joy. I even allowed the chick to measure me. Unfortunately, underwear store doesn't sell mom boob bras.

I'm trying to leave the dressing room and tape measure girl comes back. I notice there are three young girls standing behind her waiting for my room. They all want to go in together to compare how skinny they are.

Girl "How did those work?"

me "They didn't"

girl "Shoot! Why not?"

me "They just didn't fit me correctly."

girl "Well why not?! They are the size I measured you for! Why specifically didn't work???"

me "Well, when I was pregnant with my daughter, I went from a barely there b to a 34 F. Things just don't always bounce back to where they were, and although those bras are the size that I am now, there's saggy mom boob hanging out all sides of it, so I just don't think I'm going to get those today, but thanks!"

I just hope I scared those teeny bopper girlies next in line into putting back the thongs and reaching for the granny panties.

Can we have a T-o-T do-over?

Please? Before I slip into a KitKatComa? I had no idea how much I liked candy. Nugget and Strip totally scored with the candy. We just have waaaaaaay too much. I think the week after Halloween, all of the teenagers should be allowed to come around with their pillowcases and collect all of the candy you don't want/need. My doorstep is open. Come on up.

Trick or Treat!

Yay for Halloween! Nugget and Strip had fun. Nugget was a lion and had a fantastic roar and Strip was Fancy Nancy. She love the FN books, so were were super excited to find all of the Fancy Nancy dress up stuff. The doggy was a good sport and was her "Posh Puppy."

When we decided on FN for a costume, Strip asked if we could go to the library and get a movie of FN. I said I didn't think there were any FN movies, but we have all the books. What's the deal? No, she said, I need to watch the movie so she could hear how FN talked. I didn't know what the heck she was talking about, so I told her FN was a little girl like you, so she probably talked a lot like you do, but we can read the books when we get home.

Sigh.

Then it hit me! She was trying to get into character. HA! So when we got home, Ma and Strip plopped on the couch and read FN books working on their French. Strip had her act down. She would say, "Oh la la!" when she got candy and "Au revoir!" when she was leaving. Super cute.

Well, not everyone in the 'hood is a reader, so she kept getting, "Oh! What a cute little princess you are!" Strip, not being shy would look them dead in the eye and say, "Actually (her favorite word) I'm Fancy Nancy. It's a book." but the condesending tone in her voice was hilarious!

stay tuned! I can't blog from my phone and my fingers are itching for those home row keys! Computer man comes tomorrow

There's a new navigation lady in my life

Well, we made it safely to the parents house, no thanks to Madge and set off this morning for another 700 mile drive. Having lost all faith in Madge, you would think that I would be a little nervous on this long drive. Not so because I not only had this:

I had this:

My mother. Or as the kids call her, "Ma," but she will be now know as MA-gellan. The MA-gellan is a unique navigation tool. Instead of the little green line leading the way, the MA-gellan makes small talk about how bad the traffic is going the other way.

"Glad we're not going south!"

"Well, mom it's probably people going into work"

"No, it's always like this"

"Ok"

"No really. The last time your father and I were going this way... why were we here, I guess it was your brother's graduation or maybe his birthday, yeah, it was his birthday OH! Did I tell you where we had dinner, it was so good..... (20 minutes later) Anyway, we were driving back this way and the traffic was horrible. Always horrible southbound."

"Ok, mom. That does it."

"What?"

"We are NEVER coming home to visit."

"confused look"

"If traffic is always this bad southbound, I will never drive home. You have only yourself to blame."

"ha. Ha."

But aside from random conversation, MA-gellan also has a special alert function. Not when you need to exit, but anytime there is a change in traffic. Lane ends, traffic merge, interstate crosses, interstate splits, which as you can imagine on a 700 mile trip happens quite a few times. MA-gellan will let you know.

Sign appears that the road we are on is about to split off into a different interstate going another direction. I see this, but know we stay on this road for another state. But MA-gellan is on the case.

"oOOOOO K, let's see. What's going on here. Ok do you see that? The road is splitting. OK, what way hmmm ok, umm well.."

"We stay left MA-gellan"

"Well it looks like you have to go right in this lane. Look at the sign ok, 1,2,3 right lanes must exit right are we going right? I thought you said we stay left. What lane are we in? Is this going to make us go left we want North, is this north? That one said East, but is it really North?

"We're fine, we stay left."

"Ok, let's see umm ok oh! We stayed left in this lane! You were right! Ha!"

Wow.

My MA-Gellan also has a built-in car sensor that would alert MA-gellan if you hit the rumble strip a little which would alert her to scream, "What are you doing?! Let me do that! You just drive! I can get the kids juice!"

Not the shortest trip ever.

Oh, and since this is supposed to be a kid related blog, here's a nugget from Strip.

In her previous school, there was a little girl who spoke no English. Only Spanish. I took French and Italian, so I don't know much, but I have picked up a few things thanks to my pals Manny, Dora and Diego. So I would tell Strip that "_____ is the Spanish word for _____" whenever I could.

Fast forward to the big drive. Strip would just make up random words and say, "Yeah that's the Spanish word for playing." She was always wrong, but E for Effort, right? So MA-Gellan are discussing how, once again, we stay in this lane and follow this road when Strip pipes up from the backseat, "Mommy. You are 'irritated.'" I look at Ma and we giggle, so I ask for clarification. I'm what?

"You are 'irritated.' That's the Spanish word for 'driving.'"

Well, get use to it, Strip, because Mommy is going to be irritated for about 5 more hours!

Dream dream dream

Everyone should get pregnant. Seriously. You have some of the greatest, craziest dreams when you are pregnant. I think my new "Congratulations on your pregnancy" gift is going to be a legal pad and a Bic pen because you have phenomenal dreams when pregnant and the only way to remember them is to write them down.

When I was pregnant with Strip, I had a dream that she was born fully clothed, with jewelry. Frilly dress, bonnet, hoop earrings, gold bangle bracelet, everything. And to make this odd dream even odder, the nurse announced, "The doctor's not in here! Put her back in!" And they did.

But just when I thought dreams couldn't get any odder, I found myself buying a house 4 states away (where my husband was living) while I was working, taking care of 2 kids and trying to sell current house in one of the worst possible markets ever. That lends itself to some freaky-weird dreams!

Exhibit A: In real life, I have a friend who works for Disney. She is engaged, and they are getting married at Disney. Yay! So between the stress of before mentioned life and knowing that I was going to Disney with the fam, the following dream took place.

I was asked to sing at friend's wedding. But for some reason, there were no rehearsals and no one ever told me what I would be singing. I show up that day and find out that I and another (male)friend who also works for the mouse, will be singing a duet at the reception. Ok, no problem. Then I find out what. The bride and groom have requested that we sing the first dance, Beauty and the Beast, but instead of the Disney lyrics, we are to sing, "Tale as old as time, song as old as rhyme, Nicole and Colin!" And for a little icing on the cake, the bride's dress was an exact replica of Belle's dress, only white and the groom looked like the beast, but dipped in white, too. Odd.

Latest example would be the new house purchase. Strip and I flew up to house hunt, and our fantastic realtor showed us so many houses. We were super excited to find the perfect house on the last day, last house we saw. Yay! We're done! Offer accepted and it's ours. Well, being a few states away, and not being able to drive by the house all the time, I started over thinking it. Was there a pantry? What did the fence look like again? Is it really a good neighborhood? What did the closets look like...

I decided that house hunting and wedding dress shopping were the same -- you look at a ton, order the perfect one, stress out about what it looked like until your fitting, then realize it's even better than you remembered. So I'm feeling a little better. Then I have a dream.

Me, husband, Nugget, Strip, my parents, my brother and brother's girlfriend are all in our new city to celebrate the move. Our realtor is with us, but it's not really our realtor here, it's our craptastic realtor from Florida. For some reason, we decide to all go look at one of our reject houses before going to our real house. Well, reject house is perfect. The lot is awesome, the floors are great, brand new carpet, awesome appliances, master bedroom was down stairs, there was a finished (huge) basement AND a playroom upstairs for the kids along with 2 guestrooms. It was great. Starting to worry, I look at our realtor and say, "Wow. This one is better than I remembered. Why didn't we get this one?" and his response was "well, it didn't have a pantry, so I took it off the list."

WHAT?!?!?! This house was freaking perfect! It even had a laundry chute! A pantry is NOT a deal breaker what the heck is wrong with you?!?! He assured me that even though our house didn't have enough bedrooms, a basement and had a detached garage, the pantry was awesome.

Ugh. I hope this is not foreshadowing.

She's out to get me

Last weekend, we did a Disney trip. Husband flew back, and the kids and I drove to the Parents house. I had not driven the way we were going alone before, but felt like I knew the route well enough. And never fear, I had Magellan, or as we call her Madge leading the way with her little green route line and calm, reassuring voice, I knew it would be a smooth 400 + miles.

I think it would have been, had Madge not been trying to kill me. Maybe it's because she really belongs in Husband's car and felt I was just using her. I don't know. Things are going smoothly, I'm rockin out to a little talk radio, kids chillin in the back seat when she pipes up

"Exit in 2 miles, Martin Luther King Blvd."

Ummm what's that Madge? I thought I stayed on this road for 2 more hours. Hmm.

"Prepare to exit. Martin Luther King Blvd"

No thanks Madge. It's a rough city, and that just doesn't sound right. I'm going to go on up to the next exit.

"Calculating route"

Atta girl

"When possible, make a legal U-turn"

Crap, Madge. Maybe you were right. Traffic slows, so I do the turn by turn directions to see what she's up to. Madge wanted me to exit on MLK, drive 4 blocks and hop back on the interstate. Uh no thank you. Thankfully I had my trusty new phone that also has navigation, so I checked it for backup where it was confirmed. I'm right, Madge is wrong. I turn Madge off for the rest of the drive.

Hint Taken

So last week was extremely crazy. Packers, movers, trucks, shuffling kids, tying up loose ends at work before the move, just nuts. I already spent one glorious day with the packers and was preparing for day two.

I hopped out of bed at 5 am and slipped into my jeans. As I did the hip-wiggle buttoning of my pants, I made the mental note to drink more water. The day before I spent downing Sprite and thought I didn't need anymore liquid calories. Dropped off Strip at a friends and Nugget and I headed back to the house for the final day of packing and loading.

Around 3 pm, I was feeling like I needed a nap. Not wanting to snooze while three strange men were around, I figured the next best thing would be to hit the fridge/freezer. After all, in the next 24 hours, it was all going to hit the garbage or the neighbors' house so I might as well. Nothing in the fridge, but I did spy a carton of Java Chip ice cream. Score! Coffee, ice cream and chocolate, Hooray!! I grabbed a baby spoon out of the sink and popped the top, just as mover guy #2 walked in the kitchen. He gave me a little look, so I said,

"Hey, I just have to toss it tomorrow, right? Might as well enjoy a little first!"

Mover #2 looks me right in the eye and says, "A taste on the lips is a lifetime on the hips."

Wow. I stood there stunned. Everything within me was screaming. Screaming irrational, stupid things. Things like, "If you think I'm fat now, you should have seen me pregnant with my daughter. I gained a good 50+ pounds!" and "Hey, buddy, I've had 2 kids and these jeans are a size 6! SIX! I will take them off right now and show you the tag!" But I said nothing. Not. A. Thing. By this point he wandered off, so I proceeded to follow him around the house, eating more ice cream than I really intended. Later he was looking for a screwdriver, and when I handed it to him, he said "Thank you." I wanted to say, "I should be stabbing you in the face for that comment," but I just said you're welcome.

Fast Forward to 6:30 pm.

Pick up Strip from the friend who, bless her heart, took care of her for 11 hours. I was hungry, Nugget was hungry and everything we owned was either in a box or on a truck, so we stopped at a new burger place for dinner. SO tired, I was holding Nugget with my hip/belly poked out to compensate for the added weight of holding him. Strip reaches up to tell me something and taps my stomach. She then looks up and says,

"You have a nice tummy, mommy!"

Yes! Confidence is coming back! I DO have a nice tummy, don't I?

About to thank Strip when she finishes the thought by whispering:

Strip: "Is there a baby coming?"

Me: in disbelief "WHAT??"

Strip: "Is there a baby coming?"

Me: No, but I think there is a gym membership coming.

Yo ho Yo ho

I love to people watch. And what's better than people watching? People listening. Thanks to cell phones, people have an automatic sense of privacy wherever they go, no matter how loud they are talking. For example, I'm in the bank the other day, filling out a deposit slip, when in walks a guy screaming/talking on his cell phone, proclaiming, "YEAH, I HAVE LIKE $64 DOLLARS LEFT IN MY ACCOUNT." Wow. That didn't do much for your cause buddy.

But, even without cell phones, people still speak at such a volume that you can pick up priceless nuggets where every you go. The greatest place to overhear things -- Disney World.

I. Love. Disney.

I would move into Cinderella's castle tomorrow. Love it. I love the music and the characters, but more than that, I love witnessing some of the greatest parenting moments ever.

Just take a walk through Tomorrowland. You'll hear little gems like a father lovingly screaming at a double stroller full of sticky kids, "I DON'T CARE, WE ARE HAVING A GOOD TIME," and you can see the steam coming out of his ears. Love it! Or, you can hear super-fast-mom-speller who is dictate the day's activities to her darling husband, one letter at a time so that the kids can't understand her. This sounds like this

"No, first we are going to see what the wait for S-n-o-w W-h-i-t-e is and if it's long, we get a fast pass, if not we ride it, then it's off to D-u-m-b-o and then we will do S-m-a-l-l W-o-r-l-d. THEN we e-a-t."

Unfortunately, she lost dad at S-n.

So on our last trip to WDW, we of course take the kids on Pirates of the Caribbean, the perfect ride for two kids under four. I know, we are horrible, but Strip has loved that ride since the first time she sat in the boat, so we ride it all the time. We were there during a party, so the lines were nonexistent.

As we scoot on up, the "couple" behind us is huffing and puffing at our heels. I say "couple" because dude is in his mid to late 40's and his ladyfriend is in her really late 60's (but really more like 70's). We stop when we reach the line and begin to dance and sing to the Yo ho yo ho music (hey, it's Disney!). One of my favorite things about Disney rides is you really can't see the ride until you are about to get on it. On Pirates, you can peer through some slats and see the group getting on the boat. We are standing at said place. Here's the conversation:

Dude: Huh. It's a ride.

Ladyfriend: Well, I'll be.

Dude: I thought you said it was a show?!

Ladyfriend: I thought it was! The sign said the next one was in 5 minutes!

At this point, husband and I are about to wet our pants because the sign they saw was really the "wait time is 5 minutes" and Ladyfriend has just made (hefty) Dude run convinced that the show was about to start.

Husband gets sucked in.

Dude: Hey, did you know this was a ride?

Husband: Yup.

Ladyfriend: I thought it was a show!

Husband: Well, I guess it could be like a show, but you move through it on a boat!

Dude: What do you mean.

Husband: Well, you know the movies Pirates of the Caribbean

Dude: No.

Husband (taken aback): Umm you know the pirate movies that came out a few years ago?

Dude: No.

Husband: Really? They were pretty big. They had Johnny Depp in them...

Dude: Oh yeah.

Husband: Yeah those!

Dude: Don't know anything about them

Husband (obviously struggling and I am obviously wetting my pants): Yeah, anyway, there were

these big pirate movies with Johnny Depp in them that were actually based on this ride.

Ladyfriend: I know Johnny Depp!

Me (trying to add something) Well, be on the look out because he's in the ride three times (catching myself because these two didn't seem to be the sharpest) as a robot figure thing. They added him after the movies...

Oh look! It's our time! Enjoy the "show!"

NOTE: They ended up sitting behind us in the boat where we got to hear a play-by-play commentary about how "oh gawd that was smoke not water!" and "oh gawd it smells funny" as we were thinking "oh gawd, she's feeling all up on his leg and oh gawd we totally thought you were a mother/son duo." Yikes.

Who's Hungry?

When prepping for a move, you have to let go of a few things. This week, I am working on the fridge, but I am a little concerned. I think someone has been breaking in and putting things in ours. Here's an example:

Most people have something that looks like this in their fridge:

Ours has this:

Yup. 4 jars of pickles. And if you count relish as being in the pickle family, you have this:

That's just nuts. I don't eat pickles. I don't like pickles. The kids don't eat pickles. One pickle-eater should not equal that many jars. So I know you are just dying to see what else is in there. Well, here ya go ....

If you can't see it that well, in the door of the refrigerator we had

• 2 jars of A1 (I know why it was BOGO free)
• 7 different types of salad dressing (the last time we had salad I made the dressing, and not from any of those)
• 4 random seasoning sauces
• the above mentioned pickles and relish
• 2 types of mayo
• 3 types of mustard
• 1 ketchup
• 1 jar of marmalade

We are in the process of buying a fridge for the new place and I'm thinking we can downsize. If we can keep our condiment addiction under control, we might be fine with a mini-fridge. I hate to throw it away, so I think I'm going to have a dinner party. All of the above will be served with the 5 different kinds of beer that have taken up residences in the garage fridge. Please R.S.V.P.

Call me insane

Albert Einstein is attributed with saying, "Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results."

Call me insane.

Because it never fails that a rainy day will come along, and with nothing to eat and not wanting to drag kids to the store, I call Papa. Why? Because I think it will be easy to order a pizza. It never is. Something always gets messed up and Papa apparently never heard a little something called the customer is always right. Because of their screw-ups, they so sweetly gave me a coupon good for a FREE 2 liter bottle of coke. Get excited!




We closed on our new house today, so I thought, What the heck! Live a little! Order the pizza and get yourself that FREE bottle! You deserve it.




So I call, place the order, tell the gal that I want the special Tuscan cheese pizza for $12.99. Then I tell her about my coupon. She gets my info and and tells me my total is $19.97.




Whoa.



I remind her about my bad experience coupon, and she says,

"Well, to get the free coke, you have to get a pizza at regular price."

I tell her I have no desire to spend $5 on a free coke. She stammers, a little confused and asks if I want to order anything else. I told her to take off my FREE $5 coke and just give me the pizza at the lower price.

It should be here in an hour, and I'm sure there will be spit in it.

phd in pee

I may not know everything, but I am a professional pee-er. This goes waaaaaay back. Because of a kidney problem I had when I was little, I often have the joy of doing a "24 hour." What's that you say? Let me share.



You start by getting to carry this sweet number out of the doctor's office:

Nice! Then, on your lucky day, you wake up, pee and the fun begins. For the next 24 hours, you get to collect every drop of gold in this nifty container. But where do you keep that thing? I hear you asking.

In the fridge. Yup. Don't confuse it with the orange juice. The first time Husband got to experience the joy of a "24" was when I was about 3 months pregnant with Strip. When I filled him in, he said, "Seriously? We have to keep pee in our refrigerator. That is disgusting." My response... we are about to have a baby. This is not gross, this is the tip of the iceberg.

So this isn't as much gross anymore as it is inconvenient. I had to do an emergency 24 on Friday, so mix in unloading pumpkins with the above instructions, and you can imagine what a fun day it was. Anyway, on to my point.

So, after completing your mission, you then get to take the above pictured, full, back into a lab where they draw a couple of vials of blood and you get to pee (again) in a cup. This is all very routine. No problems there. My only problem -- I started this on a Friday which means I had to go to the only Saturday lab. Strip had a fun morning at church planned, so it was just me and Nugget. We arrive at 11:30. Lab closes at 12, so I'm good. I was wrong.

Me: signs in at the desk while juggling stroller with hungry, cranky toddler, insurance card and a full jug.

Lab tech: Do you have a specimen to drop off?

Me: nooooo this is my water bottle. I just like the color Yes. (smiles and hands the nice man a jug of urine). Must be your lucky day!

Lab tech: looks totally confused. Reads the label, reads the order. Still looks confused. Ummmmm where did you get this?

Me: pointing to the large sticker that proudly displays this labs' name From the lab.

Lab tech: Well, was there anything in it when you picked it up?

Seriously?!?! This is not going to be good.

Me: nope. Just air.

Lab tech: Ok. Umm. have a seat we'll be with you in a minute.

I sit. One minute turns to 27. I hear another tech joyfully say, "Woo hoo! I'm locking the door!" as she skips out to the waiting area. Where I am sitting. With a VERY cranky toddler. She looks at me. There is NO ONE else in the lab not wearing scrubs. So her question:

new tech: Are you here for lab work?

Me: yes

nt: Oh, did you want it done at 12?

Me: Or now. Whatever is easier.

NT: oh! Ok sit tight! I'll find your stuff.

Fantastic. She then comes out and says she noticed on my orders that I brought in a specimen. Do you still have it? Nope, turned it in. Well, where is it? Uh, I'm not sure. I don't work here.

All I can think is they've lost my pee and I'm going to have to do this all over again. Good news they find the jug. And it's my turn. Yay.

Follow NT back to the back where I sit and show her the good vein. She strikes up a conversation about binkies. I make a comment about how when Nugget was in the NICU, they really wanted them to have a binkie. NT looks at me and says, "NICU? What's that?" Ok, you now have a needle in your hand and that scares me. I thought any nurse would know what a NICU was. Wow. So I explain. She draws my blood and says, "You're all set!"

Me: No, I'm not

NT: Why?

Me: I need to give you a urine sample.

NT: Nooooo you brought one in.

Me:Right, but that was a 24 hr one. I need to give you another one now.

NT: Hmmmm grabs the chart and reads

She then looks me right in the eye and says, "Oh, yeah well, we normally just skim a little off the top for that." Ok. First, that's gross. Second, that's wrong. So I say that I've done these a million times and this is how it goes, yadda yadda yah. NT finally tells me, "Fine, if you really want to." and hands me not a sterile cup with a lid, but a dixie cup with the lab's name stamped on the side. Wow. This is going to be fun trying to balance while pushing a stroller. So I bring it back to her and I say, "Thanks! Have a great weekend," and NT says, "You too! And hey, you were right!"

Wow. I really think she should have taken one more vial of blood, too so I have a good feeling that another brown jug will be in my future this week. The good news? I won't have to go to the Saturday lab.

Rub-a-dub-dub

Bath time rocks. My kids could spend a month in the tub. They just love it. Tonight, they were equally gross, so I thought I'd let them have separate tub time. Nugget got the scrub down first. got him out, dried off, diaper and pjs on. Drained and drew second bath, tossed Strip in. Nugget hopped up at the sink and was happily brushing his teeth while I brushed his hair. I was looking at what a HORRIBLE job the Great-Clips-meets-Hooters salon did cutting his hair and thought there was no way me trimming his bangs could make him look any worse.

So I stepped out of the room, exactly 5 steps from the bathroom to the counter where the scissors were. I turn around, look in the bathroom and scream, nooooooooooo!

Nugget has raced to the tub and has one leg over the edge. I sprint to the bathroom, but he hears me coming. Giggle, splash and hysterical laughter from all three of us. A dry, diapered, pj'd nugget is now...

soggy. Bath time just got a little longer, and that bottle of wine is going to get a little more chilled.

It's not you, it's me.

For years, I've heard the same thing from my mother. "Write that down! You'll forget it!" It didn't matter if it was a grocery list or a reminder for homework, according to my mother, if you didn't write it down it wouldn't/didn't happen.

So, after having kids, this phrase is used MUCH more. Funny stories, the things they say, when they got teeth, whenever I told my mom, it was "Oh! Write that down, you'll forget it." Well, Mom, you were right (GASP!!). I'm forgetting the funny/scary/sad/gross moments of motherhood. So I'm writing them down here.

Why the blog? I have terrible hand writing. And if I wrote it down in a journal, I'd probably lose it. So I thought this would be a good place to start. I needed a quick, easy place where I could jot down thoughts and stories, which means about 85% of this will be pretty boring to someone who doesn't share my last name.

I hope you enjoy reading about our lives. I'm sure most posts will be about the kids, Nugget (1 1/2) and Strip (3 1/2). So , if you find yourself here thinking, "Why is she posting this? Who really cares what size shoe her kid is?" Remember, it's not you, it's me :-)

At least she's honest.

More back blogging:

August 22nd.

The kids and I made a long car trip, just the three of us. Strip and I headed to meet the Husband to look at houses while Nugget spent some quality time with the Grandparents. It's the weekend, and we were all back together, and my brother, UP, and his girlfriend came down to visit my dad and see the kids.

After a long day/week/month we are having dinner. Now, I'll admit, I was never a good eater. I could stare at a plate of broccoli for a good three hours. I have fond memories of my mother washing dishes after everyone had gone to bed while I sat at the table having a stand off with my veggies. So, meal times and hunger strikes have a special place in my heart.

Dinner was about to be over, and dessert would soon make an entrance. Trying to avoid a blowout with a three-year-old and show what an awesome mom I am, I started the conversation:

Me: Strip, you need to eat your dinner.

Strip: But I'm not hungry.

Me: Ok, but we are all about to have cake and ice cream because we've finished our dinner and you aren't going to get any.

Strip: But, I'm hungry for cake and ice cream.

Me: Ok, you need to have three bites of chicken and five green beans. Then you can have dessert.

Strip: How about no chicken, no green beans and then cake and ice cream.

Me: staying firm and putting my foot down Strip. This is not a negotiation.

Strip: I know. It's a good idea.

The table erupts into laughter and UP reminds me what great birth control visits with us are.

Houdini Baby

I'm back-blogging because there have been way too many moments I haven't written down, but needed to.

About 3 months ago, I'm working in the office when my sweet little nugget appears in the doorway. He grunts, and I look at him, and he points down at his diaper. He's wearing this:

so I'm thinking, oh my! He's so smart! He's telling me he has a wet diaper and needs a new one! WOW!

Me: Come here, buddy. He walks over to me

Me: Do you have a wet diaper? feels diaper No.... you don't have a.... where's your diaper?!?!

Nugget laughs, screams and runs off. I hop up only to find the diaper, tabs still attached lying on the living room floor and Nugget's outfit fully intact.

Amazing.